Days 6 and 7

July 29, 2012

I made it! I made it one week with out Starbucks. Yes, I did indulge in some fraps- but only two commercial (one with bad stuff, one high in sugar, but natural ingredients) and a couple of homemade (which had approximately 18 grams of sugar). That is probably the longest I have gone without Starbucks other than in times of pregnancy or illness. So, celebration there.

The cravings for it aren’t gone though. There isn’t a time I pass a Starbucks without a longing for my old treat. Will those go away? I’m not quite sure. Is it safe to indulge occasionally? I haven’t decided yet.

I’d like to touch on a subject that’s troubling me lately though, concerning a past and family history involving eating disorders and raising children with healthy views towards food. Today the family went grocery shopping and it was the re-grand opening of our local supermarket. They advertised tasting stations and special stuff going on, so I mentioned to Big Boy that we might be to try some snacks. I don’t know why I thought “ooh, they’ll have fruit and yogurt”, because usually , on normal sampling tables, we’ve found chips and pizza. Today was ice cream and gatorade gummies. Well, recently, at Big Boy’s annual check up, I was told to limit desserts and watch portion sizes- already a difficult thing to do because of my past. But I thought, well, it’s just a special treat, forgetting about the “special treat” cookie that I let him have at Whole Foods yesterday (partly just to get us through the store- it was a long day). Then, at the checkout line, I saw Chester Cheetah coming over. My immediate thought was “oh, Big Boy will enjoy seeing him!”, so I called Big Boy over and let him high-five Chester. What was Chester giving out? Cheeto bags of course. And, not even thinking, I watched as Big Boy accepted one and we made our way out of the supermarket.

As soon as we got to the van, Big Boy was asking for the cheetos. So, not in as much of a rush, I started thinking about all the things wrong with cheetos. But, I know it’s not great to completely restrict and make foods “good” or “bad”, so I told Big Boy he could have a few with dinner. And oh did the tears ensue. Now, he was probably hungry for lunch, tired, etc, but the tears over not having this food really played on the guilt trip already in process in my mind. When we got home, the chips were put away and, once he ate a lunch of (in my mind) healthy foods, they were more or less forgotten. He did ask about them once or twice more, and he did get some for dinner.

The thing is, this is not uncommon, and it is so difficult for me to know if this is something I am hypersensitive to it, or if I’ve done something to made food an issue for Big Boy already. Has he gotten too many confusing messages about food? Have I used it as a reward or punishment in some way? Or am I so concerned about it, that when it is an issue, I just make it into an even bigger issue? Let me tell you, with an eating disorder, guilt plays into things so much. Well, when you then try to feed your child, even when recovered, guilt seems to resurface when it comes to food! Am I feeding them enough? Am I feeding them too much? Am I feeding them the right foods? And I guess maybe I need to somehow give up that guilt. I need to take action in regards to the food issues I feel really strongly about but realize that sometimes, I just have to let go. Some weeks, chips and ice cream and cookies are going to happen- maybe more than once a day. Some days, I’m going to have to say “two pieces of pizza are it” and when they ask why, I will have to say “because two is enough” when I know it is and not try to make it into a “the doctor says pizza is a whoah food” issue.

While it’s not directly dealing with eating disorders, I think this link is a good reminder that it’s ok not to try to do everything at once when embarking on this journey to eat healthy despite our messed up food industry!

Ok, here’s to giving up some of the guilt